Last night I felt a tiny lump above the line of oh so familiar scars; soft under fingertips, like a grain of rice floating beneath skin. Logically I know this is nothing - a piece of gristle or old scarring left behind from those endless hours on operating tables.....a recent ultrasound and mammogram having confirmed I am, at present, tumour free.
Yet somewhere in the back of my mind there is a small voice that whispers the fearful mantra 'what if....?'
My hip aches with a dull constancy, waking me in the quiet hours and causing me to toss and turn like a restless hound, trying to find that comforting position where I can drift away once more. I know this is tamoxifen exacting its price; yet in those unguarded moments between sleep and waking, that familiar voice still echoes its lingering thought around the dark recesses of my consciousness.... 'What if...?'
This is the reality of cancer.